Comedian Torry Martin, after being followed by the police for looking suspicious in his ski mask.

It was the day before I left for a speaking engagement when noticed that I had some graying hairs in my beard. On a whim I decided to go to Wal-Mart to see if there was some of that beard dye stuff that men use for covering the gray in order to rectify my situation.

I found the right product that you just brush on but it only came in brown or black and not my own hair color of red. I then noticed a sale on regular hair dye that was being sold as 2 for the price of 1 and it not only looked like my hair color but also was actually cheaper. Not wanting to miss a sale I purchased the items and brought them home.

I then carefully ignored the directions on the box and applied the dye to my beard and eyebrows. It then took a mere 25 minutes for me to let it soak in before washing it all off only to discover that it had now completely turned my eyebrows beard and mustache a neon orange. Not bright orange, mind you, but NEON!

I looked at the box of Garnier Level 3 Hairdye #68 and read for the first time that the shade I had selected to dye my hair was called “Luscious Mango.” I was now thoroughly confused. Was my goal to become luscious or to resemble a mango? Is there even such a thing as a luscious mango? Has anyone even eaten a mango and actually said “That mango was luscious”? It seemed ridiculous to me…and it looked that way too.

While I was still in shock over the condition of my now neon beard, my friend Ernie called from the video store he manages and said that the comedy movie I had been wanting to see had just arrived. He also said that he was holding it for me, but that he couldn’t hold it for long so I needed to hurry.

Obviously I was hesitant about making the drive there as I wasn’t anxious for my friend to see the condition of my beard and eyebrows. I knew he would make fun of me when he saw my facial dilemma because let’s face it that’s what friends do. While I still had Ernie on the phone I told him that I would be right there but that I would honk my horn when I arrived at the store so he could bring the video out to me and I could pay him from my truck in cash. Of course he was a little curious about receiving such an odd request but he reluctantly agreed.

Now I’m a recognizable comedian where I live and I’ve performed several times in the theatres at Dollywood. I’ve also been featured in the local newspaper on a number of occasions so I was worried about being recognized in public with my now neon beard. I decided a proper solution for my predicament would be to get into my winter clothing bag and find the black ski mask that completely covered my face except for the two eyeholes.

After locating it I put it on, hopped in my truck and proceeded to make my way to the video store. It was 4 o’clock in the afternoon when I was making my journey however so it was a little hot here in Tennessee, especially underneath the ski mask. In short, I was sweating like crazy! The video store was only two and a half miles away though so I was sure that I could make it there without any problems. And I almost did. I say “almost” because I had to drive right by the Sevierville Police Station on my way and unbeknownst to me I was being followed by a police officer who noticed me as I had passed by him.

Apparently seeing a person driving while wearing a ski mask on in the middle of a summer afternoon makes the cops suspicious. The officer then proceeded to follow me into the video store parking lot where he immediately turned on his flashing lights. I was stunned when I noticed the lights and even more stunned when over a microphone I heard him blare: “Step out of the car with your hands up!”

Hearing the commotion from inside of the video store, my friend Ernie decided to step outside and investigate. He arrived just in time to see the officer direct me out of my truck and request that I remove my mask. Feeling somewhat frightened I slowly did exactly as I was told. The policeman looked at me quizzically and then asked me “What seems to be the problem?” To which I calmly responded by gesturing to my face and meekly saying the only two words I could think of: “Luscious Mango.” The officer then looked at me while chuckling and said, “Hey aren’t you that comedian guy?”

“Yes,” I replied, “and I’m working on some new material.”

“What happened to your face?”

“That’s the material.”

After explaining the situation to the officer he playfully decided to let me off with a warning.

“From now on I suggest you read all labels before applying anything to your face.”

“Yes Officer,” I replied and since I had performed at the Police Officer’s Ball the year previously I felt the need to request that he not tell any of the other officers about this.

“Oh I won’t tell them at all. Don’t worry about that.”

“Good.”

“I’ll just show them the video.”

Apparently he was recording the entire thing with the video camera that was mounted to the dashboard of his police car. Ernie was now thoroughly enjoying himself as he was doubled over and laughing hysterically.

It was without a doubt one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I did however learn a very valuable lesson after enduring this humiliating experience:

There are a lot more important things to worry about in life than just my appearance. And as soon as they grew back I had the gray hairs to prove it.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)